Insouciant

It’s the end of May, the sun is out, there’s vitamin D everywhere and in the next few months I have got lots of exciting, happiness-inducing things happening so I should be full of sunshine and excitement.

Yet right now I’m not.

Yesterday there was a constant churning in my stomach, I had no appetite, it felt as though there was pressure on my upper chest and a constant blockage in my throat and I felt constantly agitated inside myself. Irritated.

The anxiety is currently back with a vengeance this weekend.

BG is away climbing in Wales and I am climbing up the walls. Inevitably since one of the climbing club fell and fractured vertebrae, ribs and pelvis the other week I have been slightly nervous and overthinking various scenarios. This, coupled with the longer-term consequences of THAT cunning little weasel’s actions (along with Little Miss French-Canada’s too) seems to have set the anxiety on fire.

I don’t enjoy it when BG goes away. In fact, this time I hate it. Being alone inside a house with so many unhappy memories is a real fucking chore. It brings everything back of what it was like being alone after the cheating weasel lied his way out of a marriage and into the secret arms of Little Miss I-Moan-About-Immigration-Fees, all the while denying there had been anybody else and successfully convincing me that I was the worst person on the planet.

And so we are two years later. Battling with not worrying about BG falling off a huge slab of rock. This fear makes me a little irrational and sometimes a little defensive.

It’s also called SELF-PRESERVATION.

I have been trying to work out the maths of these anxieties.

This self-preservation thing is all born from fear and or experience. It’s a defense mechanism.

And having being told previously by Mr C***face. that I am irrational, aggressive, have a terrible temper, etc, I now worry that even though this is a perfectly genuine fear coming out in genuine human emotion, when I express it, that BG is going to agree with Mr…… He’s going to agree that I am such a terrible person and disappear with a better version of me.

Because I am that terrible.

Add this to why I am already worried that he’s not been in touch,  along with the experience of THAT cheating weasel coming home after being away and telling you he’s not actually coming back. That’s what my mind tries to get me to believe, that when BG gets home that he’s on his way right back out again. I am defensive because it feels like I am preparing myself for THAT all over again.

It’s a recipe for an anxiety disaster.

And COMPLETELY irrational.

So yesterday that was my day.

My mind has been on overdrive thinking of every possible scenario under the sun. My mind churns it up and my stomach churns it over and over.

Today has been better but I long for the ability to be completely free from this worry, concern and anxiety.

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